Thank You Jay

There are very few times in life that a person can think back and know what they were doing an entire year earlier. However, today was one of those days. A year ago, our community, our ward, and a wonderful family lost a very amazing person, Jay Winn. He probably would never admit or even really appreciate me calling him amazing but he was and he still is. I would say that I learned quite a great deal of my wonderful life lessons from him and his wife Ali. Both of them are amazing, influential people. He really believed in family; their influence and their importance. Something he said during a Sunday School lesson way back when I was in high school (thank you Rivka Paramore for writing this down) was that if he died tomorrow, it would be okay because he knew he was sealed to his family and that was really all that mattered. That has really stuck with me. This life is so short and as long as we are sealed and remain faithful, we will see our loved ones again. Ali and Jay also taught me what a good relationship should be like. The main thing is that they are crazy in love with each other. Many couples lose that spark over the years. They love their spouse but aren't as in love as they once were. I hope that I can find someone and we can be crazy in love forever. Through their example and many Sunday School and Young Women's classes, they also taught me how to work at relationships and that greatness is not achieved over night. There will be times that you fight and are angry with each other. However, always be the first to apologize, move on and do better and always make sure that your family knows how much you love them. Jay was also passionate about missionary work. We are even still seeing the effects of his missionary work in the members and new converts in our ward. Never pass up an opportunity to share the gospel. Never talk yourself out of sharing the gospel with someone you think wouldn't be interested. You never know. This life is so crucial. You don't really know what you'll leave people with people or what you will be remembered for. It's so important to always give people your best self. You'll grow in the process and as long as you are doing what Christ wants you to do, you will only become better. I wish I could thank Jay for helping my testimony grow so much and for being such a great example to me. I know I will get to thank him eventually though.

Paul Harvey "If I Were the Devil"

This is a great message from radio talk show host Paul Harvey. It's amazing how everything he said continues to grow more true as days and years go by. We need to stick to our moral values and not allow the messed up world to take over and change what we know to be true.

Forgiveness

Here is a Mormon Message about the book I've been reading. We must always remember that we must cast our burdens before Christ. What a great message!

Let It Go

I recently started reading "Let it Go" by Chris Williams. The book, like the title implies, is about releasing your burdens and forgiveness. After his wife, 2 children, and their unborn son was taken from them in a car accident involving a young drunk driver, Chris immediately knows that he must forgive the young man. The book tells of his journey through forgiveness and learning how to let it go. He also talks about the important of service and kindness towards others. We gain power by our willingness to let Christ's light shine though us, illuminating the lives of others. He also inspires everyone to cast off the burdens they are carrying, pleading for greater faith in Jesus Christ to enjoy an added measure of His peace and mercy in our lives. It is a great book. I'm holding back tears with every page. It really makes me think of how often I forgive people and  how often I go out of my way serve others. If he can do it, so can I.

Life's Journey

Everyone has embarked on their own journey and continues on their journey today. The decisions you make and the paths you take determine what your journey will be like and who you will become. In a talk given by the 2nd counselor in the general presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, President Deieter F. Uchtdorf, he speaks of our life journey. Have you ever wondered if you are on the right course? How about whether or not you are becoming the person you were designed to be and wanted to become? Are you making choices that ill help you to return to your Father in Heaven? This life journey is not meant to be traveled alone. Our Heavenly Father wants us to return home to Him. He has given us help along the way in the form of families, good friends, and faithful Church leaders. Along with those blessings, President Uchtdorf says that we have been "given a map that describes the terrain and identifies the dangers; the map shoes you where peace and happiness can be found and will help you plot your course back home." Where can this map be found? President Uchtdorf advises us to look in our sacred scriptures, study the words of our prophets and apostles, and through personal revelation that can only be given to us through the power of the Holy Ghost. Amid this journey, there will be distraction that will keep us of our desired path. Without a memory of your previous existence-without remembering that you once walked with your Father in Heaven- would you still recognize His voice amid all the noises and distractions of your mortal life? Every once and a while, step back and reevaluate your journey. What direction are you heading and what can you do to stay on your desired path? Use the map that Christ has given to us. Study it always. Remember that you are not alone. "Do not fear, for I the Lord am with you." As you are striving to continue on the right path, keep in mind the people surrounding you. Family, friends, strangers. Everybody. We are here to help each other. "Love one another, as I have loved you." Love brings about real change of character. It can penetrate hatred and dissolve envy. Don't let pride get the best of you. Know that you are not always right or that there are more than one way to be right. "Be of good cheer." Just be happy. Don't complain about the little things and don't even complain about the big things. President Uchtdorf says that happiness is the destination, but also the path. First and foremost, focus on keeping the Spirit with you at all times. As long as you are doing things to invite the Spirit into every aspect of your life, everything else will fall into place. Returning to live with our Savior is the goal. Never let any worldy problem get in the way of that wonderful glory. I encourage you to read the full talk here https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/general-young-women-meeting/2013/03/your-wonderful-journey-home?lang=eng or watch the video here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhdxsiepnEM

Enduring Love

Watch how this couple demonstrates pure love and service in their marriage- even though they have to endure debilitating physical adversity. We should always serve our spouses. It might be hard at times but it is a wonderful way you can show your love for your spouse.

Saving Your Marriage

A marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. Spouses should exercise faith in Christ and love for each other to heal and strengthen their marriage relationship. 

The Administering of Angels

This is a great article about how we are never alone. Our ancestors who have passed on before us act as Heavenly Father's workers to help us deal with our daily lives. They help us get through trials, hard times, and heartache. We are never alone. As families, we must always protect and watch over each other in this life and the next.

click below
We Believe in the Ministering of Angels By Larry Barkdull

Great Quote

@kkoolook — Be brave. Even if you’re not, pretend to be. No...

Power in Marriage

Power can be a great thing but more often than not, power can actually harm a relationship when not used appropriately. Power is being able to influence others without being influenced yourself. It's being able to influence someone in they way they feel, think, or act. This type of power has both pros and cons.

There are 5 main types of power in a marriage.
1. Coercive- you might to something that they spouse wants just to avoid punishment by the spouse
2. Reward- doing what your spouse wants just to obtain a reward
3. Legitimate- when the spouse and the right to ask you and you have the duty to comply
4. Referent- this is the identification with admiration of spouse and the desire to please your spouse.
5. Information- this involves persuasion by the souse that what they spouse wants i in your own best interest

So, some of these are fine but most of them aren't and all of them could be used in a bad way.

So don't use them! We need to all have a Syncratic marriage. Have a love that is together, equal, and reciprocated.

Here are some tips:

• say "we" not "you" when addressing conflict
• reverse your buts... I love you but you make me mad. You make me mad but I love you. Make sure the last thing they hear is, I love you. 

It's Okay to Be Vulnerable

There are some people believe that transparency and vulnerability are signs of weakness. They may have been hurt in the past and continue to struggle to mend their broken heart or they just might be really private. Whatever the case may be, being transparent and  vulnerable is beautiful. Allow people to see how you really are without all the guarding and secrets is a wonderful quality. It's okay to open up. It's okay to possibly get your heart broken. How else will we ever experience such great joy if we don't allow people into our lives? It is the only chance that we have to be loved. Don't be easy; be open. Nothing will ever happen to you if you remain in your guarded bubble. Happiness, opportunity, and love happen when you get out from your comfort zone.

Family Coping Methods

What does the coping of a swimming pool do?

This is the coping of a swimming pool. It's the rounded edge just above the water.






The coping is meant to protect the pool, people from hitting their head on a sharp edge, the water from splashing over as well as giving children something to hold onto when they get tired.

So, in a way, coping is a way of protecting and helping you. The best and most effective coping strategies involve changing the way we see things including our perspectives and values.

But Sunday Will Come

Christ was crucified on a Friday. It was a dark day filled with sadness. People cried, mourned, and felt that nothing could ever get better. However, three days later, was Sunday. This was the day that Christ was resurrected. He came back with glory. People felt joy again. They were happy and it was a bright day.

Let's compare this to our lives. We've all had a dark Friday. We felt much sorrow and maybe didn't know how we would cope or move on. Some of us have been blessed to feel the brightness and warmth of a bright Sunday. Some of us haven't felt that warmth yet. Whatever your case may be, always know that Sunday will come. Everything will be okay; maybe different, but okay.

If the case is that you've lost a close loved one, always remember that they are still here. They are still watching over us and they will never leave. They are here to help us and to watch over us and keep us safe. Our Savior, Jesus Christ made all of this possible. What a blessing to know of the wonderful Plan of Happiness.

Here is a Mormon Message from a talk given by Apostle Joseph B. Wirthlin called "Sunday Will Come." It is a great message!

Or watch it on YouTube here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HjeBaz4F_w

Family Crisis and Stress

Here is something I learned about stress... Your body needs stress to grow and be strong. If you think about it, that is really true. After you complete a good, hard work out, your body might ache a little the next day. That aching feelings proves to you that your muscles were challenged and from that, will grow and become stronger.

The symbol for crisis in Chinese is made up of the symbol of both danger and opportunity.

The A B C X Model
This model illustrates how family stress and crisis actually can be beneficial in the long run.
A represents the actual event
B represents both the resources and the responses
C represents the cognition
X represents the experience

So, A influences both B and C and together, B and C influence the actual outcome and experience which is X.





Now let's look at it on a broader spectrum




Now that you've had one crisis or large stress, you know what resources are available and you know how to react to the problem.

So, your previous experience will now influence your next experience.

Teaching Children About Intimacy

Teaching children about intimacy can be a sensitive topic. For many people, its hard to talk about because it can make you feel uncomfortable. Some people might even put off these types of conversations because we want to keep our children innocent and pure. With the way our world is heading, it is becoming more and more important to teach our children about intimacy and sex at a young age. In California, a law was passed saying that gay history must be included in the curriculum. And that's not all. Some schools are starting to teach sex ed at much earlier grade levels. Sexual abuse is something that can so easily occur with young children. Often times, a child will be abused by someone they know as apposed to a stranger. People such as a cousin, friend, aunt, uncle, grandpa, or even parents and step parents could make this offense. So maybe its hard to teach your 6 year old about intimacy and the sacred parts of their body but personally, I would rather teach them myself than have another classmate or even teacher teach them. I would rather teach them than heaven forbid something horrible happen to them and they not know how to handle it. I want to teach my children the sacredness of it all and the importance of coming to their Mom or Dad with any questions or concerns.

In my Family Relations class today, we learned about a tool that can help parents teach their children about intimacy and not leave anything out. Our church's website, lds.org has a wonderful guide called "A Parent's Guide." This guide covers everything you need to know and teach to your children, at what age to teach certain topics, and how to teach these topics to your child. These topics range from intimacy and the purpose of families on earth to changes and feelings in young children's bodies to mature intimacy with courtship and marriage.

I encourage all parents and future parents to read this guide. http://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng

Intimacy In Marriage

So this week in my Family Relations class, we've been talking a lot about sexual intimacy within the bonds of marriage. Now since I'm not married, I cannot speak from experience but I've really come to understand how important communication is in this aspect of a married life.

Before marriage, you need to communicate with your fiancè about intimacy. Many Mormons have been raised to believe that talking about sex is taboo and should be avoided at all costs. We'll your wrong. It's not taboo. If you do talk about it, don't demoralize it. It's a sacred topic. So when talking about it with your soon-to-be husband/wife, there is no need to go into great detail of how everything works. If you have questions, ask someone else. Other things you could communicate about could be patience with one another, how you will get to really know each other in a different way, fears, boundaries, etc.

Another really important thing we learned this week is to include Christ in all parts of your life- even this part. Pray to become closer and to better know and understand each other. If you have problems, pray about them. Christ should never be excluded from any part of your life.

Emotional Coaching Parenting and Empathy

For my Parenting class, I've been reading out of John Gottman's book "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child." It's a great book and I recommend to everyone- even if you are not a parent. It's good. Anyway, it focuses a great deal on expressing empathy towards you child. Empathy is different than sympathy because with sympathy, you are just feeling sorry for that person. With empathy, you are taking it a step further and trying to understand that person and share the feelings that the other person is having. When interacting with others and showing empathy rather than sympathy, they are more likely to feel connected to you. When we think of empathy, we think of only using it in a sad or difficult situation. However, we need to learn to use it in all situations. An example in the book talked about how a child’s day at school was. If parents try to dismiss conflict and less than ideal situations, the child will learn not to talk about their problems because Mom and Dad don’t want to deal with it. This is wrong. Parents need to share in their child’s joys and problems. Families will always have conflict. We need to listen to those conflicts and offer advice, especially when the child is young. If the child grows up not feeling comfortable talking about their problems, how can we expect our children to be able to talk about their problems with their parents when they’re older or even more importantly, their spouse? Asking how your child’s day at school was and only getting a simple response of “fine” is not good enough. Encourage your child to elaborate and feel comfortable telling how they felt at school. It’s important to teach your child that having sad feelings, or feelings of any kind for that matter, are okay. It is okay to have bad days. If you, as a parent, just dismiss their feelings, it will teach a child that having feelings is bad; feeling upset about something is bad. Again, this is not good for children to grow up believing. Showing empathy to your child allows the child to see you as an ally. Never dismiss a child’s feelings. They are unique and you must embrace that.

I just barely started reading the book but it is great so far. Hopefully I can remember this when I am a parent!

A Marriage More Beautiful Than Your Wedding

Like most girls, I've been planning my wedding since I was 12. I already have the colors and location picked out. I know who my bridesmaids will be so all I need is a groom. We ladies tend to do this. We spend countless hours planning our dream wedding reception but how many hours do we spend planning our dream marriage? How often do we think about the sacredness about the temple and the covenants we will make with our eternal companion on that very special day? While wedding planning is fun and great, marriage planning is even better. While we are engaged, it is important to start learning how to be a couple for eternity.

Here are some tasks that need to be accomplished early in a marriage:

• Learn how to make decisions together
• Learn how to manage money
• Communicate
• Be clear about each other's expectations 
• Establish "us" instead of "yours" and "mine"

What are some other tasks you can think of? 

These tasks that we need to learn to start accomplishing can also coincide with the elements that make a great wedding. Here are some elements to consider:

• Plan the wedding together
• Men, care about the details of the wedding. You should have a say too. Don't just say "yes, dear" and "whatever you want"
• Be practical and realistic in terms of spending and magical wedding wishes. 
• Not everybody needs a huge round of fireworks at their wedding
• Focus on the sealing

The last elements is the most important. Focus on the sealing on the day of your wedding. Many couples these days choose to hold their reception the following day of the sealing. Couples and families of the couples will take the day before the sealing to relax and enjoy each other's company. The day of the sealing, don't go out and do anything crazy or wild. Save that for the day after. Focus on each other and the covenants made. 

**Another point to make:

Keep the reception simple. There is no need to go into debt over a one day event. The average wedding in America costs $27,000. Debt only adds stress to a relationship. Even if you and your spouse are not paying for the majority of the wedding, there is no need to have something extremely extravagant. Think of what's going to matter in the end. Was your wedding the best of the century or did you have a great marriage that will last through eternity? Make sure your priorities are where they need to be. 

It's Going to Be Okay. We Are Still a Family

Today in Relief Society, we had a lesson on happiness and keeping the eternal perspective. The teacher showed this clip from YouTube. It amazing to see this young man's testimony. He truly knows of that the Plan of Salvation is real. We need to remember that no matter the trial or hardship, this life is short. If families have been sealed in the temple and with the Holy Spirit of Promise, they can be with each other forever. I know that no matter what happens in my life, we are still a family and it's going to be okay.

Born This Way?

I'm sure you have heard the common misconception that homosexual people are "born that way." Don't feel bad, Lady Gaga seems to think so too. Studies have shown that there are small, yet significant differences in the brains of heterosexual and homosexual beings. Yes, this is true. However, we cannot say that homosexuality is genetic because the study done was in no way deep enough. The brains observed in the study were that of older people. Did you know that our brains can change dependent on our habits? Who is to say that the brains of the homosexual beings didn't acquire such differences later on in life?

Researchers Simon LeVay, Dean Hamer, and the research team of J. Michael Bailey and Richard C. Pillard did a study concerning homosexuality vs. heterosexuality and genetics, which brought up an interesting point. It is also important to note that of the four researchers, three are identified homosexuals. This is what LeVay had to say about his study:

"It is important to stress what I didn’t find. I did not prove that homosexuality was genetic, or find a genetic cause for being gay. I didn’t show that gay men are born that way, the most common mistake people make in interpreting my work. Nor did I locate a gay center in the brain. INAH-3 is less likely to be the sole nucleus of the brain than a part of a chain of nuclei engaged in men and women’s sexual behavior . . . Since I looked at adult brains we don’t know if the differences I found were there at birth, or if they appeared later."

It is possible that the brain of a homosexual is different than that of a heterosexual at birth. It is also possible that it is the same. There are many reasons, explained or unexplained, that lead to a person being homosexual.

So next time you here someone proclaim that it is scientifically proven that some people are born homosexual, you know better to agree with them right away. What we need to remember is that we are all children of Christ. We all have trials. I believe that being homosexual in this life if a trial. Like all trials, we should never give into their deception. There is help and although it may be hard, it will definitely be worth it in the end.

Gay Marriage Debate

For those of you who didn't get to see this debate with Piers Morgan, Suze Orman, and Ryan Anderson, you must watch it. As you watch, remember how people start to behave when they get emotional and angry. When people experience these feelings, we too often turn into cavemen and resort to demeaning language, sob stories, becoming judgmental, etc. We can't argue our point. Notice how Ryan Anderson stays calm and does not anger while Piers Morgan tries to skew his words and Suze Orman "feels sorry for how uneducated he is." Also, when things don't go their way Piers and Suze in a sense say "I'm running out of good comebacks, let bring in the audience to boo Ryan because I can't think of anything good to say." In the end, Ryan shows his intellectualism and Suze and Piers are left looking like fools.

How to Deal With Pain

How do we express feelings in a marriage? Sometimes it is hard to express certain feelings; mainly pain. I don't mean pain as in a scratched arm, I mean pain as in sadness, unhappiness, or pain caused by something that needs to be fixed. How do we begin to talk about fixing something? It's easy to put the blame on someone else for the problems in your marriage. Blaming someone can be compared to complaining. Generally, when people express pain, it evokes compassion. However, complaining is an adults way of crying but it is not compassion evoking. It is important not to blame others for the things we struggle with. Pain without blame brings compassion. Pain with blame equals contention.

Now, there are many other reasons why a marriage could have problems. I'm not saying that blame is the core of all marital problems, however, if you feel that blaming and complaining are a big part of the contention in your home, step back and reevaluate. Take time to think by yourself and then, with your spouse, go to the root of the problem and solve it without complaints or blame. You will find that by communicating, you can solve your problems much more efficiently.

Family System Fences

You can really understand a family by what kind of fence they have. A care-free, no boundary family will have fence posts set up around the perimeter of their yard but will never really get to putting up the fence. They allow people in and out of their backyards and anybody can drop by at any time. We call this a diffused boundary.

Diffused Boundary          . . . . . . . . .

Another fence type that people might have is a rigid boundary. Imagine a neighbor with a 9 foot tall cinder block fence. Obviously, this would not be a very easy yard to get into. This family has very set boundaries and will not let anyone in.

Rigid Boundary          _______________________

The last fence type is the picket fence. Many people would say that their ideal home would have a cute little picket fence surrounding their property. Picket fences are easy to see through but you just can walk over onto someone's property. The picket fence has a clear and permeable boundary.

Clear/Permeable          _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


Now, I will apply this to families. First and foremost, moms and dads need to have a strong sense of togetherness. There bond needs to look like this with a clear/permeable boundary around the both of them together.

Around this circle can be a clear/permeable style circle around the children. 

This is the healthy family lifestyle. 

Things We Learned from Jay Winn

My family's close friend passed away last year in a semi-truck accident. Although he is gone, his words and actions will always be in our hearts. These words were written by his sister Myla.

"Give everyone a chance, or two, or three. Be happy with who are you and what you've got, but don't stop trying to be better. Be giving of your time. Share your happiness. Stand up for what's right. Never miss an opportunity to make someone feel good. And always, always make sure that your loved ones know what they mean to you."

Eternal Perspective

"The first step to getting the things you want out of this life is this: Decide what you want."
          - Ben Stein

This quote can be applied to families, marriages, careers, education, etc. It was brought up in my marriage class today and I loved it. It is so simple yet so hard to do sometimes.

I look at this quote in an eternal perspective view and apply it to marriage and families. When we decide what we want, we need to work hard to get it. A happy marriage and a happy family will not come easy. It takes work and practice and forgiveness and a whole lot of other things. However, if we can see our lives in the eternal perspective, things hopefully will become more clear.

7 Habits of Highly Effective People

This is a book that I have been meaning to read for a long time. It is sitting by my mom's side of the bed and I see it everyday. Why haven't I picked it up yet? Who knows. Anyway, somebody brought it up during class today and brought up an interesting point from the book.

"The best couples are those who are very independent but can work greatly together."

Obviously that isn't word for word and it might not even be what the book actually said... but it was something like that.

This describes couples who can do fine without each other. They don't need the other to be able to function. They still work together in all aspects of life and marriage but are not needy. They communicate, solve problems, dream together, and whatever else together but they don't depend on the other for everything.

Greetings!

So, a little bit about me. I'm 21 as of last Sunday. I'm from Burns Oregon which is a small town in eastern Oregon. My family and I live on a ranch and I love the wide open space! I have 6 siblings and I am the oldest. Here are some things that I love:

• my family
• lemonade
• sushi
• running
• playing Settlers of Catan
• watching scary movies
• swimming
• camping
• fishing
• hunting
• shopping
• the gospel
• Pinterest
• vacations
• The Office
• laughing

and there could be more but it's late and I can't think of anything else. 

I'm attending school at BYU Idaho. I am a Child Development major and for my Family Relations class, we were all required to create a blog regarding families. The purpose of this blog is share to the world my love of families and the many things I will learn in the class. Enjoy!